The exhaustion of grief

I would love to say that since my last post, my life has gone ahead in leaps and bounds, that I am blossoming as a strong, single woman and that all is good and rosy in Jennland.

Unfortunately, none of this is true and I have come to the conclusion that saying goodbye to a relationship of 30 years is just too damn sad.

That is not to say that I don’t look forward to my single future with a degree of excitement, I am just saying that the grief I am feeling has sucked the life out of me for the moment.

I look for inspiration from people I know who have survived and thrived following separation and divorce, but I also know that they have been through the toughest of times and have emerged out the other end. I am still in the tunnel and really, nothing is getting any easier, except perhaps my husband’s acceptance of the situation. I have found little joy lately in anything much, except good chats with my son and long walks on the beach with the dog and my daughter.

I was missing the things that helped me through the bad stuff. My younger brother is busy building a new career and looking after a wife and baby and although he is always receptive to a chat, I don’t feel it is right to burden him with my misery. My dear Mum is a ‘phone call away and I do feel better after talking with her, but is it fair to impose my own turmoil on an 86 year old? I think not. My big brother has his own stuff to deal with at the moment and he doesn’t need me to offload my stuff onto him as well.

I do count myself fortunate though, my dear husband has no family within cooee and he is suffering. Luckily, he is receiving support from some very dear friends and I am very grateful that they are there for him.

I had packed my sewing stuff away, thinking that moving would be sooner rather than later, but I was premature as the list of things that need doing to the house grows… so I went and unpacked my Pfaff and did a bit of stress-relief sewing. It felt good, even though it isn’t much to crow about

The Easter sewing for the Uthando Project resulted in these (mine is the one with the nearly invisible nose- that needs work!), she also has a baby hidden behind her back.dsc_05882.jpg.jpegInspired by this foray into doll-making I made this little one, she came printed on a square yard of fabric from Spoonflower. An easy make, she is still unfinished, but I was taken by her cuteness and call her “Delphy” short for Delphinium… I think she may go to my little niece when she is older ย 20160426_174440.jpg

Finally, my Mum gave me a lovely soft wool jumper last year. It had a couple of moth holes in it when I brought it out recently and the high crew neck made me feel as if I was choking. Now black is one of my least favourite colours, but the quality of the jumper meant it wasn’t going anywhere yet…so I made it into a cardigan ๐Ÿ™‚ I added a trim down the front edges and a pleated collar in the same fabric (left over from my son’s shorts made previously). As I am troubled by gaping in garments with button fronts, I chose instead to secure this one with a simple red grossgrain ribbon tie. I like it ๐Ÿ™‚


The happiness is always clouded by the other stuff that is happening in my life right now, but I know that the next few months will bring resolution and the opportunity for a start on the next phase of my life.

As I said in a previous post, watch this space ๐Ÿ˜‰



14 thoughts on “The exhaustion of grief

  1. Stay strong – you will get there and new opportunities will arise. If I hadn’t done this same thing 30 years ago I would never have had my children, which is too sad to contemplate. I think about you often and wonder how you’re going, so thank you for the update.

  2. I know exactly how you feel- it’s been nine years now since I split with my ex, and it was absolutely the right thing to do, no regrets whatsoever. But it was still damn hard breaking habits born of thirty years shared experiences. Make sure you have all your photo memories intact, don’t get rid out of a feeling of clearing up- there will be many occasions when you WILL miss the fact of someone else who was there with you, to confirm little memories. It gets better quite quickly, especially once you are out of the old home, trust me. PS Your dolls are sweet, but can I just gently point out that ‘pickaninny’ is no longer an acceptable turn of phrase? You don’t want anyone who reads this taking offence and attacking you when you are feeling vulnerable x Feel free to delete this post if you don’t want to draw attention to it xxx

  3. Good for you for unpacking that machine so you can sew! The best therapy is being creative. Demented Fairy is right, it will get better quite quickly. Hang onto that during the tough times, and know that relief is coming. It’s good that your partner also has some support.

  4. Oh, boy- life changes are never easy, but it does get better and you discover some you that you didn’t know about and it’s a happy meeting. It will pass and bloom again.

  5. I married my high school sweetheart…we grew up then grew apart. It hurt for quite awhile, but my broken heart made a space for my wife of almost 25 years. She is my best friend and I would have never found her had it not been for the pain. Cheer up remain amicable with your ex he will be your children’s father for the rest of their lives. :o)

    • I think we both know that there will be happiness again. I am content being single, but I will be very happy if he finds someone who can share her life with him, he is a lovely fellow, we are just too different at this time in our lives.

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