It’s been a long time, I know…how are you all?
This year has given me a lot of opportunity to reflect on my past and contemplate my future, I try to do more of the latter because looking back leads to bitterness and regret and what is the point of that?
I guess I can consider myself a single woman now, although that is only just dawning on me. Thirty years is a long time to be with someone, to be in a couple, to be considered as “Jenn and Tony” instead of just “Jenn”; it is going to take some getting used to. I am not divorced yet, but all the legal financial stuff is completed and submitted, it took me some months to get to this point as I was hoping to get by without having to go down the legal route and the truth is, we have done this amicably and just done what is legally required, so no lawyers were involved; still, it took me a while to get to the point of wanting to do it.
The house is still on the market. No prizes to anyone who puts it down to a cautious buyers market, it is what it is, just a waiting game now. What it means though, is that we will still be in the the family home for Christmas and there is a part of me that wishes I was in my own place with just the children (and my extended family for the day), I don’t want to be having an awkward Christmas Day with my estranged husband, because, yes- we are still living in the same house together 😦
Contemplating the future, I am scared and excited in equal measure. For months I have thought I don’t ever want another relationship again, but time has mellowed my view. That is not to say I will be embarking on anything anytime soon, but I would be open to suggestion if the right person made it. I am however not being unrealistic here, I am not expecting anything much. Ageing apparently should be embraced and I am feeling good; I scrub up pretty well and I wear nice clothes; however I am not convinced that men my age have the same priorities, a well-groomed, fit-looking bloke will turn my head and unfortunately most of them seem to be quite a bit younger than me!!! So I think that “Singlehood” will be my future and that’s okay.
I sound vacuous I know. I know that attraction is so much more than looks and if the truth be told, I have never found conventionally handsome men attractive. I like quirkiness, a quick wit, an interest in lifelong learning and a need for new knowledge, a love of art, of the environment, of clean living, of silence… and the list goes on, I’m not fussy am I?!